Regret

Today has been an extremely hard day for me.  I worked 12 hours today and then I received bad news from my ex husband.  My son got suspended from school today.  I guess him and a couple other kids were playing a bobble head game where they were shaking another kid around back and fourth.  I guess the kid was shaken so bad that he had to go to the hospital.  The boy that was shaken was okay with this game and he wasn’t being bullied but I’m still really upset by it.  The kid is okay and his Dad isn’t going to press charges.

My son has only been at this new school a week and he has already been suspended. He was suspended twice at his last school.  He’s only in the third grade.  He started getting in trouble when I left.  I of course blame my self for not being there.  I just don’t know what to do.  I left to get better because I wasn’t much of a Mother when I was there.  I was on 16 medications and doing shock treatments for almost a year.  I was out of it and staring at a wall most of the time.  I thought he would be okay with his Father and step Mother with their big house and stable life that I couldn’t offer him at the time.

Now that I am doing much better I wonder if he would be better off here with me.  I just don’t know.  I have thought about moving back but I would have to leave this good job I just started and it’s impossible to live in San Diego unless you make at least $20 an hour, if that.  All I know is that I feel horrible.  I’m worried for my son and what his future may bring.

On top of all this happening today.  Today is the day my best friend passed away.  It’s been 10 years and I still have trouble letting go of him and forgetting this day.

I miss you Dennis and I need you.   Most of all I miss your laugh.

dennis and me.jpg

 

I Am Your Regret

Fractured memories lost

To my own self destruction

You are now a stranger before me that I don’t recognize

I am just a broken, tormented soul in your eyes

The one that wasted half your life

The one that only brought you resentment

The one you will always regret

 

 

I’m Still Here

Memories are blurred

I sleep alone now

Shattered by what I have done

I  don’t know myself or who I was

I’m lost trying to find my way to stable ground

You always lead the way

Now you are gone and belong to another

I’m still here

Waiting for you to acknowledge my existence

But it never comes

 

 

New Divide

I remember black skies
The lightning all around me
I remember each flash
As time began to blur
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide
There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes
Across this new divide
In every loss in every lie
In every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide
-Linkin Park

Who Am I?

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself “Who am I?” .  Here I am 35 years old and I don’t know who I am.  Ever since the shock treatments, I am constantly perplexed on what all happened in my past.  It’s like trying to remember a dream and all the details from it.  You know you had a dream but everything is in a fog.

I keep trying to understand why my marriage failed and I know I was hurt and angry but it’s hard to remember all the details why.  I know I loved my husband and I believe I still do.  I know I loved his family and I was devastated when I lost them out of my life but I can’t even remember what they all looked like.

I also know I loved my ex-boy friend who I did stay in contact with for a while but I always felt like I was talking to someone I didn’t really know.  Which I know pushed him away in the end.

I know I shouldn’t be focusing on the past and just thinking about the future and figuring out who I am now but sometimes I wish I knew what I wanted in life and I don’t.

 

Where do I fit?

Who are my people?

Where do my loyalties lie?

You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be.  It’s when you have worked out who are, that you can really start to live.

-From “Being Human”

 

Trying To Understand Why?

I know I have touched on this topic before but I feel I need to vent about it again.  Why the hell did my psychiatrist fuck up my life?  I know some of it was my doing and I do take full responsibility for that but my doctor did not help.  Why did I need to be put on 12 different psych drugs at one time?  Why did I need to get 67 shock treatments when I had never attempted suicide?  I was depressed and I didn’t want to get out of bed.  How is drugging me up and fucking up my brain more supposed to help?  I of course at the time was desperate and was willing to try anything.  I truly believe he wasn’t trying to help and that he was just making money off me and ensuring that would be a life time patient.

It’s sick and I wish I could do something about it but I can’t.