Well I think I’m doing a little better. My shoulder still hurts but I shouldn’t have to brush snow off my car tomorrow morning which will help. I got my son’s report card today and it looks like he’s doing pretty well, so that makes me happy. I’m sad I wont see him for his birthday tomorrow but I get to see him next month which is good.
I also got my cat’s ashes today. It took 6 months due to miscommunication with the humane society but I have her back so that’s what matter’s. At least I hope it’s her. I know I sound like a crazy person keeping my cat’s ashes. I had her for 16 years, and I was devastated to put her down. It was hard to lose her after I lost everything else in my life.
My ex boyfriend Eric contacted me out of the blue. I thought I would never speak to him again. It’s nice to talk to someone that knows me, even though I don’t know myself anymore. I know he was angry when we last spoke because I told him I never wanted to get back together again. I just wanted to be friends. I honestly don’t really remember him very well. He was there for me through most of my shock treatments. I was very lucky to have him. I just don’t want to get into a long distance relationship especially when things didn’t work out between us in the first place. I can’t really remember why they didn’t work out but I know they didn’t so I don’t want to take a chance on something that may cause me to relapse. I am very grateful that he wants to be friends though. It’s nice.
To be honest I don’t think I’m doing very well. I keep thinking everything is okay but there is this nagging pain that keeps trying to take hold of me and as much as I try to ignore it, it keeps coming back. I know there are a couple of things that are triggering it. I hurt my shoulder a couple weeks ago shoveling snow and it has been causing me not to sleep well. I am pretty pissed about it because I was having problems with my neck before and that finally got better and now this. I’m just waiting for my shoulder to resolve its self.
The other reason I believe I have been having issues is because I have been talking to my son every day on my headset. I’m happy I can talk to my son every day without having to bother his Dad to have him call me. The only problem is, I can hear what goes on in the background and hearing his Fathers voice really gets to me. I know I don’t really remember his Father due to the shock treatments but hearing his voice triggers pain for me and I’m not sure why. I think I just don’t want to remember.
Due to all this I have been having more anxiety than usual. I had trouble just driving to the grocery store this weekend. I seem to do so much better when I’m on a routine and have to go to work.
I know I need more in my life other than what I am doing. I know this isolation is not helping. I know I have always been an introvert and I have never had a lot of friends but I always had a little bit of a social life. I have had nothing for 3 years. I don’t even have fucked up friends that take advantage of me to talk to anymore. I need to start making more of an effort, it’s just hard.
I tried talking to people on this mental health support group and I decided I’m going to try and give support and of course I attract a fucking psycho. I was trying to help this guy who was having a hard time and then he latched on to me and wanted to be face book friends and started saying I was beautiful. When I turned him down, he started playing this pity game, and it was like he didn’t listen to a word of advise I gave him. I then knew his whole post was for attention not help. I completely left the group. I want to talk to people who suffer with mental illness as I do but I don’t have the patience for people who are just seeking attention.
So I got my sons plane ticket yesterday for his spring break with me. I’m really excited. I have been stressing to save money for his ticket and birthday but I did it and I feel better.
Well I joined an Electric Shock Survivor group on face book and I think I’m going to leave the group. I wanted to connect with people that have been through ECT but I feel like no one really wants me in the group because I’m not filing a lawsuit against ECT. There are days I get angry about what the doctors did to me and how it destroyed my life but I helped destroy my life too. I of course don’t want other people to go through what I went through but I’m trying to survive and function right now. Most of the people in this group are on long term disability and have time to advocate against ECT and deal with lawyers. I don’t, and I don’t want to deal with the stress of all that. I just want to live my life and move on. I feel like people in the group think I’m lying about how many treatments I had because I’m still working and on no medications. I might be reading into the group wrong but that’s just what I feel right now.
Well, its the weekend. Yesterday I had a little bit of trouble going out to the store. I’m not sure why. I usually go to the store after work. It took me about an hour to convince myself to drive to the store. I’m not sure if it’s because it was out of my routine or if I was having social anxiety issues. Either way, I went but I was anxious the whole time. I hate it when I feel this way.
I also made a bold move and posted on this mental illness face book page yesterday. I basically stated that in my experience I was over treated for my mental illness and that I wish I had sought out a second opinion sooner. I just wanted to share with others that look at a line of pill bottles every day, to maybe see if another doctor agrees with how they are being medically treated.
I didn’t really receive a response and I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe people like being over medicated. It also could have been because I stated that I went through a long period of ECT treatments. I have noticed that there isn’t a lot of people in the online mental health community that can relate going through that or just don’t talk about it.
I could be wrong, I don’t know.
Lately I have been gaming online with my son. We have voice chat when we play. I think it’s great that we can do something together but it’s painful sometimes. When I talk to him, I hear what goes on in the back ground. I hear his father and step mom’s voice doing things around the house. It’s just hard hearing the life that I lost. I know I had that life and I was unhappy and I threw it all away. It’s also hard hearing his step mom parent my child like he’s her own. I can’t be angry, I brought this on myself, but it’s a very painful reminder.
This week has been interesting. It’s been stressful but good. I have been working mostly on my own at work this week and as much as that stresses me out, it’s been okay. Sadly its not the work that stresses me out, it’s the talking to people that gets to me. My lead usually deals with the interacting with people while I just focus on getting the work done. I had to talk my through an audit today and even my supervisor’s said I did well.
I went to therapy this week again and I realized the more I go, the more I’m accepting the possibility that I have Autism. Sometimes I wish I could just announce to my work that I have high functioning Autism and that’s why I’m weird. I feel like maybe people wont think I’m just a cold, stuck up bitch.
I had another positive thing happen this week, my credit score went up 82 points. I have been working so hard to improve my credit and finally it’s going up. I finally feel like I’m making progress from destroying my life.
I have seen my new therapist twice now and so far it has gone well. Mostly we just talk about what its like living with Autism. I am thrilled that I have someone to talk to but at the same time I miss just talking to someone who is my friend or partner. I know that I’m paying him to talk to me and I know he will never be my friend. In some ways it feels pointless but I know it will help me.
I have been single for 3 years now. I literally mean single, as in I haven’t had anyone touch me in three years. This is the longest I have gone without any kind of intimacy, since I was 15. I know I put on a lot weight when I was on all those medications but I have lost most of it over the last two years. I honestly don’t know if I am considered attractive anymore, even with all the weight loss. I don’t feel like anyone is attracted to me at work but I put up such a wall, that I think most people think I’m a weird unapproachable Bitch.
I know I am sexually frustrated but I think that’s normal after 3 years. I don’t know if I’ll ever be with anyone again, and I think that scares me. I just know I would rather be alone than be stuck in a relationship where I’m unhappy for the rest of my life.
Well I have done absolutely nothing this weekend so far. All I did yesterday was stay in my pajamas and watch Bone’s all day. I know the show is completely dumb but I couldn’t stop watching it. The whole concept of two people having this deep love and sexual frustration between each other intrigues me some how. It reminds me of when I watched The X Files as a kid and always wanting Mulder and Scully to get together. Now that I’m at the point where they are together, I have lost interest.
I woke up with this sort of brain surge this morning. I think it might be because I just let myself go into a total lazy fantasy state yesterday. I had dreams last night that I was working some where else but I was doing what I used to do which required more thought. I woke up with all these idea’s on how to improve where I work now. I wanted to write them down, but then I realized that no one is going to listen to me and even if they did, it wouldn’t give me an opportunity to get promoted. I am just a shipping clerk, and I have social problems. No one is going to take me seriously.
I then realized that I don’t think I will ever have an opportunity to move up where I am. I would feel so guilty leaving but I know that I can utilize my brain to do more challenging work and possibly get paid more. It’s not something I want to do right away but I think after I have been there a year, I will look elsewhere.